Safety.

I am so sorry to find one of my fellow students deceased after so much of this campus has spent more than a week looking for her when she disappeared. In so many of my classes we have discussed her and our own personal fears regarding the situation.

It wasn't until Pegge was asking everyone in the Tuesday at Turchin class if all of us had someone to walk with to our destinations afterwards. In fact, I hadn't really thought much about her going missing until her adamant remarks. This is mostly because, no, I didn't have someone to walk back with. I was planning on going to the library and after finishing up some work, walking back to the apartment. And until that moment, I wasn't scared to do so. But when Pegge found I didn't have anyone to walk with she looked me in the eye, held my hands in hers, furrowing her eyebrows to make me promise to call Eric until I got there.

So, that's what I did. I thought it was silly still but felt relieved when he answered the phone before trekking a small trip to the library. There's supposed to be a blue phone in the walkway between the library parking deck and the church but it wasn't illuminated the way they are supposed to be.

But I got to the library safely. I did my work. Read a while. And then made to leave for my apartment.

I won't lie. I was paranoid walking back. It was 11 at night. The rain had just let up. EC had to hang up and I was trying to call my house phone. People were out so late, loud, and in groups. I guess I shouldn't have been scared but the unwarranted loud noises were startling and I'm really more scared for my baby than for myself. If I was by myself, I may have been a little more relaxed but carrying a baby makes me much more cautious.

My mom phoned me as I was getting into my apartment building and she asked me if everything was okay. I just couldn't say yes. I did not feel okay. I felt unsafe. I felt scared. I felt like something bad might happen to me. So I burst out in tears. I cried for a while and she's always known how to handle that sort of situation of mine. She can always calm me down. Eric called me back, too, and everything felt better.

I've felt unsafe by myself. I don't feel comfortable anymore. I will force myself to find the safe way to wherever I need to go. Even if it means sleeping in the library or calling up someone when I feel like an inconvenience. I will not sacrifice my baby's safety for anything.

Typing this entry, I feel despair in my stomach. Filled to the brim, I don't know if I will ever fully come to terms with the evil ways of this world.

xxx

Beth