In 3 months.

In 3 months,  I will be a mother. Maybe a little sooner or a little later.

But in 3 months, I'm going to be the mom to my little Izzy. Eric will be her papa. We're going to be parents.

It's a little unbelievable. I feel her kick and turn and I nearly fall over every time she does but it still feels so unreal. I think about how beautiful she'll be and I start to tear up. I really do love kids. I love my sisters to death. I don't feel all the pain they feel but when they do, my insides feel like they're rotting and I cry, cry, cry. It's hard to sleep. Nightmares take over. I need them to be okay more than anything. And when Eric or my mom get hurt, I feel the same way. Their pain is so deep seated inside me and incredibly unrelenting. I need them to be okay. I can't stand thinking about their sadness, their grief, their anger. I need them to be happy. I need to see their smiles.

I don't know how hard it will be with Izzy. Talking to my mom, I tear up. My connection with her... I want Izzy to feel this close with me. I want her to love me and feel as encouraged as I feel with my own mother. I'm so scared to raise her the wrong way. Scared something will happen to her. Scared she'll experience the horrible world we live in. I... I know she will. She has to. Everyone has to. But I know how brilliant she will be. I know how brightly she's going to shine once she gets here.

UGH TEARS.

Okay. Well.

I'm very, very excited.

I love my family.

xxx

Beth