We are doing exactly what needs to be done.

Getting pulled by all these different ropes from birth, we can finally step forward on our own.
It is by choice.
It is through much thought that we venture now.
Our feet hurt but we have a roof over our heads and food in the fridge.
We have each other.
Nothing could give me more courage than this simple fact.

6 months.

Tonight, EC took me out on a wonderful date. (=

No one's ever been this kind to me. I'm so happy to have him in my life.
We had me get ready by 6 before he got home and told me to hide in the bathroom while he got ready. I opened the door and he had a tiny little cupcake with sparkle sprinkles in it in one hand and I held it while he recited a poem he wrote. UGH. SO CUTE. And the cupcake was - DELICIOUS. Heeeeeee. (=

We went on a little walk around the long way before our reservation at a surprise restaurant. The food was amazing and fancy and they had coffee. We were stuffed before heading home. He baked the last of the cookie batch and we watched "What to Expect". I highly relate to every "pregnant" part of this movie.

Nothing will work unless we do. Nothing will work unless I do.

We're so happy about this pregnancy. Our first one resulted in a traumatizing loss. Now, we have a little miracle on her way. God has been so good to us throughout our relationship. From the day we met, all that we have lost, all that we have gained, getting married, and now. We are so blessed to have what we have and to be where we are and for Isabella to be here with us.

No one can really understand our relationship, our struggle, and our happiness because no one is us. All the harsh judgement is hard to deal with and the encouragement is welcome. But, ultimately, God guides our lives and having complete faith in him helps us see what's right in front of us. Not the words of other people, but each other's hearts and souls. We feel his presence in our marriage. His presence in our little miracle. And we know he will guide us through all the rough times and all the good times.

xxx

Beth

In 3 months.

In 3 months,  I will be a mother. Maybe a little sooner or a little later.

But in 3 months, I'm going to be the mom to my little Izzy. Eric will be her papa. We're going to be parents.

It's a little unbelievable. I feel her kick and turn and I nearly fall over every time she does but it still feels so unreal. I think about how beautiful she'll be and I start to tear up. I really do love kids. I love my sisters to death. I don't feel all the pain they feel but when they do, my insides feel like they're rotting and I cry, cry, cry. It's hard to sleep. Nightmares take over. I need them to be okay more than anything. And when Eric or my mom get hurt, I feel the same way. Their pain is so deep seated inside me and incredibly unrelenting. I need them to be okay. I can't stand thinking about their sadness, their grief, their anger. I need them to be happy. I need to see their smiles.

I don't know how hard it will be with Izzy. Talking to my mom, I tear up. My connection with her... I want Izzy to feel this close with me. I want her to love me and feel as encouraged as I feel with my own mother. I'm so scared to raise her the wrong way. Scared something will happen to her. Scared she'll experience the horrible world we live in. I... I know she will. She has to. Everyone has to. But I know how brilliant she will be. I know how brightly she's going to shine once she gets here.

UGH TEARS.

Okay. Well.

I'm very, very excited.

I love my family.

xxx

Beth